Hearty Heresy

A New Header for a New Heresy: Comfortism
May 22, 2007, 2:25 am
Filed under: Elvis, Faith, God, Heresy, Religion

Frankly, I’m a little tired of clinging to the coattails of other people’s heresies. So I’m starting my own, and it goes something like this. IF, as Ray Comfort insists, the PROOF of GOD can be found in a BANANA, and IF, as Chuck Missler believes, the PROOF of GOD can be found each time you open a jar of PEANUT BUTTER, and IF these two PROOFS of GOD’S EXISTENCE constitute a double-whammy of an ATHEIST’S NIGHTMARE, THEN it only stands to reason (and certainly Ray and Chuck are all about reason) that BANANAS and PEANUT BUTTER together make up a THEIST’S DREAM. And that is why my new header features a bunch of bananas and a jar of peanut butter.

The old header, by the way, was a juicy piece of steak being seared on a flaming grill. I chose it for my original header because it was so rich in heretical symbolism. Like being burnt at the stake for being a heretic. And being burnt to a crisp for all eternity in Hell just because you didn’t believe in the exact right proportions of human to divine in the person of Jesus. And there’s nothing heartier than slab of grass fed, organic beef grilled to perfection (medium well is perfection in my case). At any rate, I worried that the header would put off my vegan friends. So bananas and peanut butter for everyone!

Back to the heresy. I’m calling it Comfortism. Not just after Ray, who got me started on this whole thing, but after the concept of “comfort food,” which is actually what bananas and peanut butter really are. Just ask Elvis. As I’ve noted before, the King loved his Grilled Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches. I figure that’s got to be one of the elements in Comfortist communion. The other is, TA DA, Peanut Butter and Banana Smoothies. You see, if God is in bananas and peanut butter separately, then there’s even more God in both of them combined. So if you eat a lot of PB&B sandwiches and drink a lot of PB&B smoothies, you’re going to be CLOSER to GOD.

Which brings me to my final point. The human being who was closest to God, according to the new heresy of Comfortism, was the King himself, Elvis. In fact you may not have known this, but Elvis weighed 260 pounds at his death. That’s a LOT of PEANUT BUTTER and BANANA SANDWICHES! And consider this, too. When John Lennon said that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus, he was revealing a hidden truth (and isn’t that what religion is all about, having hidden truths to reveal?): John knew that while the Beatles may have been more popular than Jesus, they would never, NEVER be more popular that Elvis. Because ELVIS was CLOSER to GOD than ANY HUMAN EVER. Period.

So that’s my new heresy. If you’d like to give it a try, this is all you have to do: Make yourself a Grilled Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich, a Peanut Butter and Banana Smoothie, toss an Elvis LP on the record player (yes, it MUST be ANALOG!…just kidding), and lose yourself in the sweet, protein-rich comfort food of God. Soon, you’ll be tipping the scales toward heaven where the King himself will great you with “Peace in the Valley.” I’m telling you friends, it doesn’t get better than this. Thank you, Ray Comfort. Thank you, Chuck Missler. Elvis loves you, and so do I.


17 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Love the new banner! I love both bananas and peanut butter. However, I’ve never blended the two. Can I still be included in the fold?


Comment by agnosticatheist

Yes! Together or alone, the power of God resides equally in the two elements. Welcome!

Comment by heartyheretic

Truly a man after my own heart. PB&J is a staple of my lunch break. We can always unite over God’s glory found in a delicious PB&J. I’m getting hungry.

Comment by cade

I was talking with a friend last night. She’s got a taste for peanut butter and bacon. I think both Elvis and God would approve!

Comment by heartyheretic

Presleyterians of the world unite!

Comment by pastorofdisaster

Amen! There’s even room for those who think that Lisa Marie is the One True Presley.

Comment by heartyheretic

Wow, the images of peanut butter and bananas are making me very hungry.

Comment by the Wayfarer

That’s exactly what they’re supposed to do, Wayfarer! The sooner we all start gorging ourselves on PB&B sandwiches and smoothies, the sooner we’ll be joining Elvis in eternal Comfort. BTW, you can make the smoothie with Hemp Milk if you’d like!

Comment by heartyheretic

I always knew I like peanut and bananas for a reason…lol. Anyone ever use ice cream and chocolate chip cookies to explain God?

Comment by totaltransformation

I think Ben and Jerry might be on top of that!

Comment by heartyheretic

Isn’t it amazing how mankind has been eating bananas for all these centuries and it is only now, in these latter days, that the prophet of Comfort has uttered that God has placed the proof of his existence right there in our kitchen fruit bowls! What would we do without this Ray of light? This is indeed a proud day for all fruitloops.

Comment by Jon

Prophet of Comfort, Ray of Light. This heresy’s really starting to get some juice–orange, pineapple, BANANA of course!

Comment by heartyheretic

Add yogurt and milk and that would be one delicious smoothie!

Comment by totaltransformation

Don’t forget the honey…tupelo honey, that is.

Comment by heartyheretic

Honey in a smoothie? Now that is heresy.

Comment by totaltransformation

Well, if Elvis wouldn’t approve, Van Morrison would!

Comment by heartyheretic

[…] Thursday August 16th 2007, 6:35 pm Filed under: Heresy, Elvis, God, Religion I figure that if Comfortism has a high holy day, this is it: the day the King went to meet the King. I’m talking about […]

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