Hearty Heresy

High Holy Day for Comfortists
August 16, 2007, 6:35 pm
Filed under: Elvis, God, Heresy, Religion

I figure that if Comfortism has a high holy day, this is it: the day the King went to meet the King. I’m talking about the anniversary of the death of Elvis, the human being who was closest to God (due to his diet of peanut butter and banana sandwiches). So plan on celebrating with a Comfortist communion of a couple of PB&B sandwiches washed down with a PB&B smoothie. And don’t forget to keep our “Ray of Light” and our “Prophet of Comfort” in your thoughts and prayers. Without the zany teachings of Ray Comfort, we’d have no religion, my brothers and sisters. Just giving credit where credit is due.

First Prophet of Comfortism


A New Header for a New Heresy: Comfortism
May 22, 2007, 2:25 am
Filed under: Elvis, Faith, God, Heresy, Religion

Frankly, I’m a little tired of clinging to the coattails of other people’s heresies. So I’m starting my own, and it goes something like this. IF, as Ray Comfort insists, the PROOF of GOD can be found in a BANANA, and IF, as Chuck Missler believes, the PROOF of GOD can be found each time you open a jar of PEANUT BUTTER, and IF these two PROOFS of GOD’S EXISTENCE constitute a double-whammy of an ATHEIST’S NIGHTMARE, THEN it only stands to reason (and certainly Ray and Chuck are all about reason) that BANANAS and PEANUT BUTTER together make up a THEIST’S DREAM. And that is why my new header features a bunch of bananas and a jar of peanut butter.

The old header, by the way, was a juicy piece of steak being seared on a flaming grill. I chose it for my original header because it was so rich in heretical symbolism. Like being burnt at the stake for being a heretic. And being burnt to a crisp for all eternity in Hell just because you didn’t believe in the exact right proportions of human to divine in the person of Jesus. And there’s nothing heartier than slab of grass fed, organic beef grilled to perfection (medium well is perfection in my case). At any rate, I worried that the header would put off my vegan friends. So bananas and peanut butter for everyone!

Back to the heresy. I’m calling it Comfortism. Not just after Ray, who got me started on this whole thing, but after the concept of “comfort food,” which is actually what bananas and peanut butter really are. Just ask Elvis. As I’ve noted before, the King loved his Grilled Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches. I figure that’s got to be one of the elements in Comfortist communion. The other is, TA DA, Peanut Butter and Banana Smoothies. You see, if God is in bananas and peanut butter separately, then there’s even more God in both of them combined. So if you eat a lot of PB&B sandwiches and drink a lot of PB&B smoothies, you’re going to be CLOSER to GOD.

Which brings me to my final point. The human being who was closest to God, according to the new heresy of Comfortism, was the King himself, Elvis. In fact you may not have known this, but Elvis weighed 260 pounds at his death. That’s a LOT of PEANUT BUTTER and BANANA SANDWICHES! And consider this, too. When John Lennon said that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus, he was revealing a hidden truth (and isn’t that what religion is all about, having hidden truths to reveal?): John knew that while the Beatles may have been more popular than Jesus, they would never, NEVER be more popular that Elvis. Because ELVIS was CLOSER to GOD than ANY HUMAN EVER. Period.

So that’s my new heresy. If you’d like to give it a try, this is all you have to do: Make yourself a Grilled Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich, a Peanut Butter and Banana Smoothie, toss an Elvis LP on the record player (yes, it MUST be ANALOG!…just kidding), and lose yourself in the sweet, protein-rich comfort food of God. Soon, you’ll be tipping the scales toward heaven where the King himself will great you with “Peace in the Valley.” I’m telling you friends, it doesn’t get better than this. Thank you, Ray Comfort. Thank you, Chuck Missler. Elvis loves you, and so do I.

When Will This Nightmare End?
May 4, 2007, 8:11 pm
Filed under: Christianity, Elvis, Religion, Theology

I’ve just run across another video claiming to be “The Atheist’s Nightmare.” It’s from some guy named Chuck Missler, and he claims that the proof of God is not a banana, but peanut butter. You can decide whether or not he’s got a point by checking out the video on my Vod Pod (below left).

The whole peanut butter/banana thing got me thinking about Elvis, though, which isn’t bad. After all, the King loved his Grilled Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches (recipe available here). And he could sing the Gospel like nobody’s business (go to rhapsody.com, download the free player, and treat yourself to few of the King’s favorite Gospel tunes…I’m a sucker for “Take My Hand, Precious Lord,” which has a bittersweet story behind it). And if Ray “Banana Split” Comfort or Chuck “Skippy” Missler haven’t convinced you that God exists and Jesus is King, hop on over to ElvisGospel.com. I especially like this insight into Elvis’s faith that begins with the line “I’ll never forget the day his black limo almost ran over me.”